stability junkie
[or, home as destabilizing force]

Been thinking on some things. Stay vs. Go. The usual change and adapting to it shtick...

Some people thrive on adrenalin, a friend calls it (with a gleam in his eye) evil chaos. And yes, I do need some evil chaos to remain content and engaged.

But let's be honest, I'm a stability junkie. Perhaps because I led a semi-nomadic lifestyle (unconsciously, and without any say in the matter--living in over 11 places before I was 8 years old), I find myself constantly wanting to put down roots (so much so that they exhibit in habitual tics--sitting in certain spots in chinatown, watching the flow of people; restaurants have the seats I'm accustomed to; driving becomes a set of unconscious patterns...). I love the feeling of knowing a place, of letting a place get under your skin. I thrive on the little details--the faint smell of a bakery as you whizz past, the sound of mahjohng from open second story windows in chinatown, the feel of the breeze off the bay--bringing with it the ~~curse~~ promise of fog. After I've lived in a place for awhile, when I close my eyes, the place still plays on the back of my eyelids. And what a place this is. We live in a postcard. Not a perfect postcard, but a real one. On Tuesday night I looked up at the Golden Gate bridge (from just beneath it!). The sky still was warm from sunset. The bridge fading into sky, and all so painterly that it made my heart ache and break for the sheer impossible beauty of it. (If only I could capture an iota of that light, that color. Aaargh!)

And now, I'm looking for a home, the ultimate in putting down roots, right? But it's actually the most destabilizing thing we've ever done. It tears down all sorts of vulnerable bits inside you--home, money, family, work, stability, risk. It's all a crazy jumble. In some ways its so loaded, how can we succeed? Better to view it as a business opportunity. But if it's so loaded, how to treat it as business? And every morning, I wake up to a panic attack--how is it that we're embarking on this huge step, with so much unknown, and so much unsaid? And at the end of the day, when I'm finally too tired and I've stopped rushing around, I can't sleep for the thoughts banging around in my head.

Whatever else it is, it's definitely not zen.
Labels: bay area, change, go stay come, homey

:: ewee 10:58:00 AM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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