Walking in the dark
[Backposting on 9/25/09--written on Saturday, 8/15/09 5:30am-5:45am]

Those of you who know me, might know about my glaucoma--a condition I'm thankful to have caught early (Dr. Slam!), thankful to be treating (Dr. P!), and scared to death of.

My life is so dependent on my vision, a fact that I've taken for granted until recently.

Everything I do--from the living I make, to the things I make that give my life meaning--they're all based on my ability to see, and to see well and with attention.

It defines me so completely, that when I think of it, there's that chasm again. And with the inkling of the chasm, I'm off, toiling, if not to fill it, at least to keep myself busy while facing the abyss.

So I find myself practicing. Walking through the darkened house, testing my non-visual memory: Can I locate and get through doorways, around furniture, avoid squeaky toys (it is, after all, just after 5am, and while our puppy would love a romp, my partner and my older dog would most certainly not appreciate it). And this is another, very literal, way for me to feel and find myself at home in our house. It's surprising, after only a year, how well I know and can sense our home.

Yet, when it comes to the void, my favorite things ("He took a polaroid everyday, until he died.") that have had the most profound impact on me are the smallest of gestures. Sure, some garner fame (bansky, andre to obama). But that's not what it's about--despite the gnashing voice in my head that demands to know what I've *done* with my life, to show what I have produced that is of value--no, the act is reason enough, and the art is just gravy. So I suppose we all just keep on keeping on--and especially when you can't, then you go easy. and if you can't go easy, go as easy as you can.
Labels: blather, glaucoma, making, navelgazing, process

:: ewee 5:45:00 AM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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