stress
my last couple checks haven't come in, and rent day is looming close. so I sat and did an accounting of how much I spent on vet bills and medicine for moleywole. at last count, I was approaching $10,000 -- and I stopped cuz it got a little overwhelming. think it's dinner time. think I'll eat in.

:: ewee 9:43:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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:: Saturday, April 28, 2001 ::

lazing
I knew this would happen. I'm outta work, and watching Korean soap operas incessantly. Entertaining and good practice. I woke up this morning with Korean phrases popping in and out of my head...

helps with the emptiness that threatens from time to time. funny how a little dog could leave such a space in my life.

:: ewee 4:52:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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:: Thursday, April 26, 2001 ::

late night
feeling fragmented once again. wish it wasn't too late for tv or something. or even a video [thanks to mizbloo I'm temporarily hooked up]. the only videos I own are wallace and gromit [all very good, but I just watched them all to celebrate the borrowed vcr], some old episode of ellen [the final one?], and a tape of moley cavorting at fort fun [back when she really knew how to cavort].

so I'm thinking no tv. watching moley cavort might be beyond me. tho it's mighty tempting. been drawing incessantly, but none of it is in digital form yet. my next thing is doodling on post-its. the ultimate in removeable art.
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indelible
speaking of which, spent yesterday surrounded by people getting tattoos. first it was mizstpl from the big city getting some touch up work done. of course, I thought the artist at black and blue tattoo was cool cuz she thought "out loud" with paper and pencil. then mizbloo with her friends, getting indelible markings in the comfort of their own home.
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adrift
my feeling of having a grip crumbled today. in a coupla hours it will be three weeks. and tonight I will finish her second candle. more of a fluke than intentional timing. sad that all her blood washed out of my blankets. wanted to hold on to anything having to do with her. wanting to make a card to send out, but am unable to take on anything much right now. just glad to be busy.

just feels like she's GONE. no sweet lovely pooch, and, no, the memories are not enough. neither are all the photos. tho they sometimes help, it's all just a poor substitute.

:: ewee 12:45:00 AM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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:: Tuesday, April 24, 2001 ::

yay. i'm famous! [15kb of fame?]

:: ewee 12:04:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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:: Friday, April 20, 2001 ::

ping!

:: ewee 5:15:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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:: Thursday, April 19, 2001 ::

distraction
thanks to jill (happy late bday!) for the find -- a tamagochi-like pet for my palm! perhaps this will fill the void, lift the sadness, or at least give me a new toy to play with. woohoo!

:: ewee 12:19:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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heaviness
can't seem to get the weight off my chest. had a nice napping dream in which I saw moley wole. she was gnawing on something happily, and looked up with a grin as I rubbed my nose in her sweet stinky ears. I could feel her soft fur, and smell her cornchip stinky self. her happy little grin, as she gloated over her bone, and all of it was what I've been waiting for. I know I won't be able to hold onto my memories forever, so I'm hoping to have plenty of doggie visits in my dreams. it's all in there, the memories and all that, so I'm counting on my dreams to keep her alive for me.

even as I dreamed, I knew it was a dream, and savored it.

it's been exactly two weeks (plus a coupla hours). and my heart will not stop breaking.

:: ewee 12:05:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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:: Saturday, April 14, 2001 ::

for better and worse

things are at once better and worse than i'd expected. guess that's life.

:: ewee 5:55:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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:: Tuesday, April 10, 2001 ::

plumbing
Main Entry: plumb
Date: 15th century
transitive senses
1 : to weight with lead
2 a : to measure the depth of with a plumb b : to examine minutely and critically [plumbing the book's complexities]
3 : to adjust or test by a plumb line
4 : to seal with lead
5 [back-formation from plumber] : to supply with or install as plumbing
intransitive senses : to work as a plumber
things feel quiet in my head. not that the daily mess is calmer by any means. just that i've been spending more time down than i'd like. but it's good to feel the sadness sometimes.

:: ewee 3:58:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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:: Friday, April 06, 2001 ::

lost
a bit adrift without moley. it's just so *quiet* without her. the weather seems to be filled with her -- I can feel her smiling in the sun and silent and respectful in the rain. I'll post properly about her ending soon, it's been a huge comfort to look at old pictures and work on my website, so keep an eye out for random moley-centered projects. not sure I can draw her again, but am trusting that it will come.
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thanks thanks thanks
manymany thanks to everyone who's responded. all your notes and phone calls and po sts and emails mean so much, and I'll respond as soon as I'm able... [I'm expecting, you'll understand].

it's been a huge comfort to hear moley stories, and to have people give me their take on my sweetest pigdog. it's amazing the funny little stories and all the perspectives -- I was with her almost every moment, and still there are things I didn't know about her. I'm hoping to add all the stories soonish. and just because I wanted one, I made a dwomo desktop feel free to use as you see fit.

:: ewee 2:58:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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:: Thursday, April 05, 2001 ::

...

. [remember] . [dwa] .

...

:: ewee 1:06:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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:: Wednesday, April 04, 2001 ::

congratulations ewee! you were number 1000 (and 1001 too!) to hit my blog. please claim your prize at the door. ok, so about 900 of those hits were me, but whatever.

:: wendy 10:54:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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go pickle! it's yer birthday...
i love you dearly, little sweetie! you're cooler than even the freakout girl and charlie's angels and harry potter combined!

:: ewee 2:15:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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normal
odd how normal everything feels. there should be sobbing in the streets and free grilled steaks at every juncture, but instead, we've resorted to the one-radio-flyer parade. I'm also resigned to the odd yet slightly useful retail therapy motif.

last night's purchase -- a nance-waterbottle (as seen previously modelled by nj around the office).
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evitable
according to merriam-webster: capable of being avoided. we're looking at friday, apr 06, 2001. it adds up to 4 (4+6+2+0+0+1=4), which is the same chinese character for "death." other than that, i can't make any sense of it.
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go west
help bendy rid her life of material possessions.
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belated fools
thanks to jill for the link -- i remember some of these pranks from when pcworld was still on vignette and there was a whole archive of this kinda stuff. wonder if it's still there... i guess not.

:: ewee 1:41:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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:: Tuesday, April 03, 2001 ::

still life with procrastination
so much for productivity. did some work this morning, and now I can't seem to stop goofing-off. probably the thought of impending taxes and such.
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bolinas
even allergies and a fair bout of motion sickness couldn't ruin a day at bolinas. wandered along the town streets and beach. i remember first learning the word "beachcombing" as a kid. even then, I didn't think it quite fit. it's more like sifting and pondering.
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retail rescue
still heartbroken over moley -- she seems good, relatively speaking, we've made it up and down the three flights of stairs, she's fairly alert, and only pacing occassionally.

the mug is a new acquisition -- can anyone say retail therapy? managed to only do a little unnecessary damage at rainbow. and things like the big bottle of rescue remedy (we've gone from 10mL to 20 mL) are more of a necessity.
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keeping the signal clear
gratuitously morbid photo of a gorgeous skull I found in montana.

trying to stay in the moment, and just go with the flow. the only thing that's been certain so far is uncertainty. don't get me wrong, I'm no buddhist. most times, I'm not even mellow. just trying not to impair myself. time enough to block it all out later.

:: ewee 1:25:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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distraction
thanks to jill for today's happy distraction. check out RAMmouth for more...

:: ewee 1:14:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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beast of burden
burden, she's not.
happy beastie I am.

I've always wanted one of these radio flyers. kinda wish we could've afforded the suv model (inflatable tires, shock absorbers, and stylie wooden stuff). but the one we've got is plenty dreamy and (most importantly) meets with the princessmo stamp of approval.

:: ewee 11:04:00 AM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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:: Monday, April 02, 2001 ::

vacant
moley's exhausted, it's becoming obvious that despite her own strong connection to life, it's getting harder and harder for her. this weekend, we carted her around in her new red radio flyer wagon, and she seemed happy enough, but there were times when her eyes were empty -- she was elsewhere as her body rested. had a good conversation with her acupuncturist, and it seems like she has her own internal force propelling her through life -- which was reassuring. I've been afraid that she's been hanging on for me. She's such a trooper, such a sweetie dog, and so after this morning's seizure, we sat and had our usual conversation.

Since we've hit these harder days, I've been trying to check in with her -- all the other voices and opinions, even mine, aren't what I want. What I want is to hear from her what she needs. So I've made it a point to have quiet times with her. Sometimes, it's just sitting with her and looking into her sweet stinky face. Sometimes, it's just watching her breathe as she sleeps. But lately, more and more, it's become a time to check in and tell her what a gift she's been in my life, and that if it's time, it's ok for her to rest.

And today, she stood quietly with me, obviously exhausted from her latest seizure, leaning lightly into me. Then she went and stretched out on the linoleum for a post-seizure, PB/KBr/Pred/Belladonna/Aciniteum induced nap. She's tired, the drugs keep the seizures at bay, but the toll it's taking is starting to wear even on my sweet tough little pup. She's already started to leave occassionally as she rests. The thread that holds her here is becoming increasingly tenuous, and as much as I wish she'd choose her own time and way to leave, it's looking like I have to face my terrible responsibility with as much courage as I can muster.

:: ewee 12:36:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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reply: a spoon, or, in some circles, a straw.

:: ewee 12:07:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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:: Sunday, April 01, 2001 ::

so if i make a garden burger but i put a spicy lamb sausage on it, dip it in au jus, and i have beef stroganoff on the side, which fork should i use for the strganoff?

:: wendy 12:30:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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